there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
