Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
