I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
