It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
