She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
being pregnant is like rehab
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
