i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
