I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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