my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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