we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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