How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
