I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
