my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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