I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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