I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
