my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
