I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
