im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
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