what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
