So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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