I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
