Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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