I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
