Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
