I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
