I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We had to coat check the pizza.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
