The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
birth control should be required to get into college
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
