I met the friendliest cop last night
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
