I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
