You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
