I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize