I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
