she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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