I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
