i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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