I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
