then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
