Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
