Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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