Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
