What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
