I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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