I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
