i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
