something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
