My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
