so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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