If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
