I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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