I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize