did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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