Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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