Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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