If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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