omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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