Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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