Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
