I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize