This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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